Clif and I dusted off the bikes Wednesday night. Can we say ice for my nether region, please? We got home from work and fought with the lawn mower the neighbors are loaning us. Finally got it running and Clif surprised me by taking over to mow the front yard then took it to the back yard for me to do. When I finished (already a bit worked out) I told him that I was going to go out on a quick bike ride and that I'd be back soon. He frowned at me and said he wanted to go, too, but had work to do, to which I promptly replied that if we could walk the circuit behind us in less than 30 minutes we could bike it in half of that or less and he could wait that long to do work. So, out came the bikes and Clif promptly took the lead which turned out to take us all over kingdom come for a great 30+ minute bike ride that we BOTH had a blast on (despite the fact I haven't been balanced on two wheels in over a decade). Wish we had video of me fighting NOT to ass-over-tea-kettle down the bank into the creek when I cut a corner too close and slid off the path. That was both terrifying and hysterical but I managed not to face plant! Go me!
Last night when we got home from the nursery with our veggies and herbs to plant, I went outside to turn the new top soil into the old clay-stuff when Clif came out and asked me to do something with him. I dug my heels in at first, thinking he needed help in his office and I wanted to use as much light to get my job done as I could. You can imagine how (uberly pleasantly) surprised I was when he told me he wanted to go biking again! Well of COURSE I dropped the shovel for that. Clif being the one to want to spend time with me to do something fun and -healthy- that both of us enjoy is an opportunity I will NEVER pass up. He has even been waking up with me in the mornings, though he usually leaves well after I do for work, to have breakfast with me which I'm still getting up early to make. I turned up the soil in a cloud of mosquitos when we got back from our ride but it was well worth it. Note to self: invest in bug spray and citronella tikis for the garden! >.<
Tomorrow we're supposed to have our windows replaced. This rain BETTER clear up or someone might come to a horrible, grisly death. I am looking forward to planting the awesome stuff I got yesterday while they work on the house. So far we have 3 varieties of tomatoes, cucumbers, lots of basil, cilantro, parsley, some kind of lemon thingy, pineapple sage, chocolate and orange mint (which all smell heavenly!) and have plenty more on my wish list to get once this round is in the dirt. Yay fresh stuff from the garden!!!
At this rate I might fit into my dress after all. ;)
- Mood:
accomplished
Yesterday I walked out of my office building (in the frigid rain) and aaaaaaaalmost walked to my car but instead turned to walk across the street to Giant where I got myself a salad without dressing, soup and tea for lunch. Went home last night and got Clif to walk the dogs with me around the paved path circuit in our back yard. A great <30 minute walk. Then we were off to the Boy Scout meeting (we're associate scout masters or whatever they call it and merit badge counselors) and back home for awesomely delicious sandwiches for dinner.
This morning I got up early, had a shower and made myself breakfast: a 1-egg scramble with cheese, salami, green onions and tomato on an english muffin with a glass of OJ. Right now I'm having my between meal snack of a 100 calorie bag of cheez-its (yum!) and will probably go back across the street for another salad for lunch. I also need to deposit a check and peek in a hardware store for a gas canister, all within walking distance on my lunch break. A little while after lunch before I go home I'll have a couple of cookie bites for another snack.
Tonight will probably be sandwiches again for dinner b/c A) they were tasty and B) I haven't had them in a while but believe me that the dinner ideas have been brewing! Including getting some chicken tenders, marinate them in soy sauce, scallions and sesame seeds all day then throw them on the grill. Whip up some quick and easy asian pasta salad, lay the chicken on top and good to go! I'm excited just thinking about it.
Good track, can't burn out! Gotta stick it out until it's the new norm and I'll be good to go! *\o/*
- Mood: accomplished
Let's for a moment forget the fact I hate looking in the mirror and seeing pictures of myself make me want to cry or I see friends/strangers who are fit and in shape and wish beyond all wishes I could look that cute and adorable. Let's come to grips with the fact that I am in possession of a beautiful princess dress that I won't fit in if I don't start to bust ass, and frankly I don't really have it in the budget to just go out and get a new one, even if I do manage to sell this one.
What frustrates me the most is I really feel like I've been on much better track with my eating and movement lately. I've been eating a lot more vegetables, smaller portions, less fast food, etc. and between the move and gardening I've been doing I've certainly been more active and hardly have time to sit around and watch tv. I have even been using a pilates ball for an office chair since Christmas! Yet I've gained 10 pounds. It's like a crushing blow... when I think my jeans and shirts feel like they're looser and I've been trying so hard to get moving and eat healthier and I've GAINED weight?!? Few things can rip the already fragile motivation rug out from under you quite like that.
I need to get back to 6 small meals a day and I'd love to get back to Weight Watcher's, but that's money I'm scared to spend. Not b/c it doesn't work for me, I lost more weight on WW than anything and LOVED it, but I'm trying so hard to be really careful about where money goes these days. Then it becomes a question of whether WW is worth the cost in the long run to have the health and princess dress... I think so, I just need to better convince myself of that then get my fat ass into meetings and action.
We now live in a beautiful neighborhood with a paved running path right through our backyard. I scored a bike from my sister-in-law, picked up a helmet and such but still haven't ridden it. We've lived there 2 months and I've only walked 1 circuit of the path ONCE. I have great exercise videos at home I can do on the rainy days but they're in a box somewhere. For as badly as I want to do these things it's a wonder to me I'm still lacking in motivation. I chalk it up to the fact that I'm a weak-willed person but that is the last thing on earth I ever want to be, so why is this such a hard battle?
I know I need to just suck it up and do it and I'll be happier for it, I just have to break myself mentally so I can get past my hang ups. I need inspiration. I need help, I just don't know what kind. :(
Part II: Yes, I've asked for this info before, but I'm asking again: If you are reading this I need your contact info. Full name (first and last), email, phone and snail mail address! VERY IMPORTANT! (did I mention 5 months until our wedding? *hint hint*). If you know someone I do but they aren't on LJ, please pass this request on to them! You can email the info to me at elwyntan81 at yahoo dot com if you don't want to post it here, though comments will be screened.
- Mood:
frustrated
If you've never seen or read Wicked, I highly recommend you get on that, though if you MUST chose one or the other then I would say see the musical over reading the book. Guaranteed you will never think of the Wizard of Oz the same way again and perhaps be pleasantly moved by the story and music. I've started reading the book twice since it came out, the second time was after I'd seen the musical on Broadway and I managed to get further than the first time. There's nothing -wrong- with the book, for whatever reason I just seem to have a hard time getting into it. It is also substantially darker than the musical and not what you expect when you go in expecting the Technicolor fluffiness of the Wizard of Oz. Not entirely a ringing endorsement, I know, but rest assured one day I will finish reading that book and then move on to the others.
What's this? You've not heard of Wicked? Let me fill you in on the general idea, just in case you've been living under a rock: Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West is a story written by Gregory Maguire and is the story of what happens BEFORE Dorothy drops her house in Oz. It's the story of the wicked witch's childhood and growth into adult hood and how she became the way she is. Think you know the story? I assure you you've got nothing until you read it.. Gregory has written similar "behind the scenes" books about Snow White, the Cinderella Step-Sisters, Ebeneezer Scrooge and a follow up to Wicked, Son of a Witch. As I said I need to find and read these, too, but I am looking forward to the twisted perspective I hope to find in them.
Anywhodle, I saw the musical on Broadway with the original cast years ago when it first opened and just.. wow... Every so often something comes along in your life that inspires such emotion in you that you can feel your heart swell as if it's filling your chest, your body and may threaten to burst. I'm talking you tingle from your hair follicles to the tips of your toes. No? Is that just me? Ok then... (Riverdance does this to me, too, for the record) The story and music of Wicked moves me beyond even my full understanding. Nothing makes me wish I had the talent and ability to go audition for a Broadway musical the way it does. This morning I found myself wishing a local theater troupe would take it on just so I might have a chance at auditioning to be a part of it. None of you should be surprised by my craziness.
I wonder if this morning it moved me more than usual given how this week for me has been brimming with nostalgia, contemplating the friendships I've made and treasured, the people who've come into my life and changed me.
In the musical there is a song called For Good that makes me think of all of my friends, who I still speak with as well as the ones I've lost touch with, and so in thanks for your text-hand holding earlier this week, emotional support, your friendship and the impact you've made on my life, I dedicate it to you all. Go forth and enjoy some Wicked in your day. :)
( For Good... )
- Mood:
contemplative
I miss dancing.
I miss the Club. Last night I dreamed of all of you but in it I was little more than a forgotten stranger looking in through the glass at a family I'd cherished so much. That is a bed I know I helped make myself, but I don't think I'd really appreciated the whole that was left from it. I miss the family I had there, the support, encouragement and cheering they gave me and I miss being involved. I don't have as much time as I used to to be consistent but I still have the heart and hands with no where to put them.
I miss my gaming freedom and free time. In the past I could come home from work, put on comfortable clothes and log in to WoW or fit in some console bonding time. These days I'm so busy I barely have time to breathe and often I feel it's all for things that are expected of me. Less time for gaming, watching movies, going out to bike or take photography trips because I have a house to clean and fix, 2-year-neglected gardens to get in shape, a 9-5 job to keep, then play receptionist for our side businesses that A) we love and B) supplement our incomes and will help us amazingly with our new financial responsibilities, but all of that leaves little time for me and the things -I- love that I've given up so much of.
We make sacrifices for the things and people we love because that's what love is all about. I heard once, though I don't remember where from, that the opposite of love isn't hate, the opposite of love is selfishness. When I heard it it was kind of a profound thing for me. Here I am feeling like I've given up so much that was important to me then feeling selfish for the times I feel frustrated and angry of my sacrifice and inability to do the things -I- want because there's no time left in the day for me. Caught between a rock and a hard place because I love working on our side businesses, love teaching, love that we have a house to take care of, but am frustrated when I feel like I have to do it alone, at someone else's beck and call, and when it means my enjoyments have to be shelved for another time that never seems to come.
Things -ARE- great. I'm in a better place in my life now than I've been in a very long time, despite fearing a few nights ago that it was all over and my world would be ripped out from under me. Even in those tense hours life was going to be ok because there's nothing that can defeat us. Just every now and then the walls fall a bit, when we're stressed, under pressure, frustrated at each other because we both feel we're giving our all and not getting it in return... and lately I there's been so many things I've missed. Friends I don't have the contact with that I used to, communities I long so desperately to be a part of yet it seems no matter how hard I try to fit in I'm still an outsider, stories that have been left without endings, stories with endings that break my heart, my own inability to be able to do everything despite my best efforts coming back to bite me, the times I DO take for myself threatening to shatter everything I've worked and loved so hard for...
Sorry, I know this is all cryptic and disjointed and strange, I just needed to be able to put my heard out in words today. Even if they don't make sense to you it feels good to be able to air the laundry a bit before I put it back away. My chest hurts , out of so much love and so much want. Hurts for all the things I want and try to do right and hurts in my failing when I try to step back and love myself. I know my inability to try to explain myself hurts me and furthers frustrations and I know that I won't be able to explain how friends I've made in a meaningless video game or at some club are as important to me as the work we have to do for our future, but none of that makes it any less real and significant to me.
Even though the past two days have been depressing, they've also been filled with wonderful things that have made me smile and warmed my heart, shining silver linings that I wouldn't have if it weren't for you, Love. The answer I will always give, even in our darkest hours when we aren't so sure of ourselves, is that no matter now deep my pit feels, you are always, ALWAYS my ladder back out and the thing that makes me smile every morning, excited and thankful to have another day with you, and that's simply the way it is.
To my friends and all of you who've touched my heart: I miss you and think of you often. Yes, YOU. Reading this or not, you're on my mind, in my heart and I miss you.
- Mood: contemplative
We're in the house, slowly doing work and moving in. Hopefully we can get the movers for this weekend. Yay!!! Still kind of surreal that it's ours but man does it feel goooood... :)
I am an aunt times 4: We welcomed baby girl Keelie this past Wednesday to my sister's household. My brother has 2 boys, sister has 2 girls... means I'll be due for one of each, right? ;) This was her second home birth and a reminder that one day I'd really love to sit and pick
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make_your_move's brain. I've got PLENTY of time, though.Got to have a pseudo girl's weekend with the cats and dog (ok, one is a boy but he cuddles really well with the girls so it works out) watching chick flicks and having the first completely selfish time I can remember having in a LONG time. I got to watch movies, play games and even did some cleaning and moving things from the condo but I was able to do it on my clock without disruption, it was really nice. Kind of cool to watch Enchanted without background noise of machine gun fire and great to catch up on social time with friends in WoW without feeling guilty or cut short. I'm thinking maybe once a month I should schedule myself for a complete selfish-day. Is that wrong?
I plan on loafing around the house again this weekend. You're most welcome to swing by and say hi!
Clif is off from work today and tomorrow, we will both be home Saturday and Sunday, I will be taking off of work Monday and Tuesday. If at any time in the next 6 days you want to swing by, say hi, lend a hand, we'd love to see you! Give us a call to make sure we haven't run out on an errand first and tonight we will be out for Maundy Thursday.
Exciting and crazy times ahead in the next week or so, but the big stress is finally over. :D
- Mood:
ecstatic
House (see if you can keep up) -
1) Supposed to have closed on Feb 29th
2) Contract extended to March 17th with plans to close on March 12th pending delivery of Clif's first pay stub from his new job
3) Slight chance of closing on March 12th with likelihood of March 13th, waiting on payroll
4) No chance of March 12th, probably March 13th, possibly March 14th, still waiting on payroll
5) No chance of March 13th, hopefully March 14th, STILL waiting on payroll...
6) 50/50 chance of March 14th or March 17th
7) 5/95 chance of March 14th or March 17th
8) Definitely not March 14th, absolutely-100%-without-a-doubt March 17th
9) Only March 17th if there's a miracle, sign another contract extension until the 26th
19) Not gonna happen March 17th (thanks to the selling bank, effers...) fingers crossed for March 19th
20) As of this morning we've been told that all the paper work is in place and barring the selling bank making a change on the HUD1 document (any change made re-sets their mandatory and completely ridiculous 3-day review clock, which is why we got screwed out of closing yesterday; they made a change and set us back an extra 72 hours. >.<) we -SHOULD- be going to closing on the house tomorrow night after work.
At this point after having re-scheduled our utilities, movers, plumber, electrician and days we are taking of from work 4 times, we are not scheduling ANY of that until we HAVE keys in our hot little hands. Then we will have to break backs to get the work done (painting and flooring) as quickly as possible, plead for last minute service appointments and beg mercy from our movers to get in and started on settling this weekend.
We'd love the extra help of your crossed fingers that we can pull this off and should anyone feel extra generous and motivated to help us out in the house (IF we actually close tomorrow) Thursday through Tuesday, that would be an amazingly wonderful addition. It's frustrating that it's entirely out of our hands and all we have to do is wait. Thank goodness we aren't on the street and everyone has their health! This situation could be 100 times worse, right now it's just wearing us down.
Work: Clif's new job at the National Wildlife Federation is going great, I've applied and really hope I can get my foot in the door there but for the time being I'm hunkered down big time until we get the house settled.
School: I expect my diploma in the mail any day now...
Center for Wilderness Safety: It's taking off!! We are booked with American Red Cross classes and have already had the 1st of 5 Wilderness First Aid course we have scheduled so far this spring. We still have a LOT of ps and qs to take care of on the business end of things, so if anyone out there is legal/business start up savvy, we are nearly desperate for expertise. If you're not sure what the shennanigans I'm talking about, check us out: http://wildsafe.com
Bar Tending: Somewhat wisely Clif has not been pushing the advertising lately, we simply have too many other things on our plate. Unfortunately that means we missed a great income potential with St. Patrick's day, but that's alright. I need to settle in and get my certification so we can really double our man-power. If you again don't know what I'm talking about: http://cliffbartender.com
Wedding: Wedding? There's a wedding? Oh yeah.... we -might- get the save the date cards sent out in the next week or two (HA!) if we're lucky. The location, photographer, videographer, baker, etc. are all in place, so the big stuff is taken care of and we can afford to not be thinking about it right now. Soon, though, those plans will be back in full swing.
- Mood:
frazzled
Thanks for your continued love and support, keeps your fingers crossed and prayers coming that we don't hit any more hiccups between now and paper signing. We're ready for our house!
- Mood:
disappointed
In semi-related news: to add to the list of feelings one would never wish to have is the one where you feel small, out of control, scared, sick, insecure, alone... feeling like you're 6 again and the world is too big and all you can think of is how if only mom or dad could hold you right now everything would be ok.
It's kind of an oogy, unsettling feeling to have your head and heart sitting huddled in the corner calling out for mommy and daddy to make you feel safe and secure...
- Mood:
anxious
You Are An ENFP |
 The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller! In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart. You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts. At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do. You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist. How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused |
And another one...
( School... )
( Wedding... )
( House Hunting... )
( Other... )
Well, I suppose that sums up a pretty big chunk of what's going on with me right now. I have a lot of life-changing going on and it's scary, and friends that I simply don't see enough of but I'm overwhelmed trying to figure out how to fit everything in. Things are good and things are stressful but everything will work out in the end, I have faith. I just hope it turns out to be a little bit sooner rather than later.
Love you all.
- Mood:
determined
amyandclifton.com
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